Leave me by the roadside
by VodkaAndCoke
Summary: "Peyton always went on about how everyone leaves. But I don't think that's true. I think that a lot of the time it isn't so much as everyone leaves, but that they weren't really there in the first place."


**Gosh, I'm so sorry I haven't been on in a while. My internet was down and I could only get on at school. So if any of y'all read _It all comes down to this_ then I'm sorry for the lack of updating this past week. I know I was quick to update the first chapters and then... Nothing so I'm sorry. I'll update tomorrow, probably. Anyways... I hope you like this. It's set after Brucas break up in season 4. **

**I don't own OTH because if I did I'd be making a lot of Brucas-ness on the show and not on here.**

**On with the show...**

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><p><em>"If a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. If she can hesitate as to "Yes," she ought to say "No" directly."- Jane Austen, Emma<em>

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><p>She's watching him, again. Out of the corner of her eye. She's pretending to flick through the magazine in her lap but her left eye's on him, it always is nowadays. Nobody notices because nobody really thinks she'd be looking at him. They're over now, right? She's over them now, right? As she looks at the eye turned to the blond a good twenty feet away she's not so sure anymore. She'd always thought they were over and by Brooke's consistent 'I'm over him' comments at least three times a week she'd thought that it was swept under the carpet (tucked away, completely out of site but still there just a little less prominent.) Guess they're not cleaned away just yet. Not for Brooke, anyway.<p>

Talking and meaningful chats isn't her thing. She prefers to joke about and throw insults people's way because it's safe and it means she doesn't have to feel anything. The wall around her heart isn't affected by people's retorts and insults. She doesn't care how many yells of 'slut' or 'whore' are thrown her way. She's used to it, and besides she knows it's true. But talking properly, when you know it's real and not just some big joke, that can really get to her. It can seep through the brickwork of her wall. She can feel things. That's why she left the sympathetic conversations to Haley. She'd be better at it than her, anyway.

But here, when Haley's nowhere in sight (she's probably talking some romantic walk with Nathan because marriage has turned them into boring old people. Well, Nathan anyway. Haley was always a little on the boring side) she has to talk to Brooke. Because what else can she do? Brooke's her friend. Actually, scratch that. She's her best friend. And she needs to help because otherwise she thinks Brooke might drown, she's already sinking and fast. Before she knows, Brooke will be completely under. And it'll be her fault.

"Brooke..." Rachel's voice shocks her slightly, and her head snaps up at the sound of her voice. Her eyes fix on her friend from their previous place on the page of _Vogue_ magazine (and if she's being honest, on Lucas.)

"Yeah?" She raises her eyebrows and Rachel appears to be uncomfortable. She's wringing her hands in her lap and her eyes are focused on a spot behind Brooke's head. She seems to be thinking of how to word her next sentence because of her mouth opening and closing a few times.

"Brooke..." She repeats but this time in a quieter, slower voice, "Brooke... You're not over him, are you?"

She says it like a question, but Brooke knows she's not supposed to answer. Because Rachel knows the truth whatever she says. It won't matter. So Brooke nods her head gently and then Rachel swallows hard, Brooke knew how much Rachel hated these conversations, "I tried, Rach, I really did. I tried to get over him. I gave him all his stuff back and I deleted all the lovey dovey text messages off my phone. I tried to erase 'us' from my life... But I guess I found out that you can take everything that reminds you of them away but they'll still be in your memories and that's what haunts you the most."

"I know you tried. It isn't your fault you're not over him. And I'm not going to say to get over him or forget him or any shit like that. But you gotta move on. You can still feel a twinge in your heart when you see him or to smile when you see that spot you sat on the beach together. But you've got to move on... Talk to other boys... Girls if you want..." Rachel cracked a small smile, "But you've got to try. Because who knows, you might find a guy you like even more. But you'll never know if you're too hung up on Lucas bloody Scott."

"But how can I? Every guy I talk to I'm thinking 'oh, Lucas wouldn't say anything like that' or 'Lucas' smile is just so much nicer'. How can I move on when I'm firmly stuck in this damn place? I can't even try to because it's like there's glue on my feet or something. And what makes it so much worse is that he seems fucking fine. He's got Peytwhore hasn't he? And soon he'll be holding hands with her and making mooney eyes at her just like he secretly wanted all along," Brooke's voice had rose a notch higher than it usually was and her fists were hitting the table. She was holding back tears and Rachel had no idea what to say.

After much deliberation she spoke softly, "He still loves you Brooke, I can tell. He casts longing glances at you every once in a while, sure not as often as he used to and when he does it's only for a fleeting moment. But the glances are still there. He loved you all the way through your relationship and he didn't want Peyton... He wanted you but he never felt like he fully had you because you were so jealous of Peyton when you didn't need to be. I wasn't Haley, constantly at the sidelines of the relationship, but even I know that he loved you more than anything."

"It's a shame that isn't enough," Brooke sighed heavily and dabbed at her eyes. She breathed in and out for a few seconds before smiling a tiny smile, "When did you get so smart?"

"I've always been smart, you just didn't appreciate it," Rachel grinned and leaned over the table to give Brooke a hug which lasted a few seconds before Brooke broke free.

"I'm gonna go make sure that Naley haven't been caught having a heavy make out session in the boy's locker rooms," She got up from the table, pulling her bag onto her shoulder. She looked down at Rachel and cracked a small smile, "See you round, whore."

"Slut, don't get yourself in any trouble cause I'm not gonna bail you out," Rachel winked and Brooke rolled her eyes in return, although she was fighting back a giggle.

"No, you won't. You'll probably be sitting next to me in the prison cell," Brooke laughed after a second because she couldn't hold it in and started to walk away, waving over her shoulder.

"I hope we get done for robbing a bank or something cool like that," Rachel yelled after her and Brooke chuckled but didn't turn around.

"We'll plan the bank robbery when we get home, yeah?" And she disappeared into the school without an answer.

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><p>She took a pit stop at Karen's cafe before she went home to Rachel (who would probably be deciding which thong to wear for the night out.) Brooke took a seat at one of the window tables and stared out at the people going past with a content smile on her face. She wasn't happy yet but her conversation with Rachel had improved her mood drastically. She turned when she heard the arrival of someone at her table. She glanced up and her eyes locked on none other than Lucas Scott. She couldn't read his face as his head was bent low over his note pad. She didn't even know he'd seen her.<p>

He looked up and his face betrayed him, shock was spreading over his features. They hadn't spoken properly since the break up. They'd had conversations, sure, but it was always when the gang was there. They hadn't been alone and for that reason she'd hardly ever visited Karen's. She offered him a smile which after a second her returned. He turned back to his note pad.

"What can I get you?" He asked and she started to fiddle with one of the menus.

"Uh... I'll have a coffee, please," She nodded but kept her eyes firmly on the table. They were being so polite. It was scary.

"Coming right up," He answered and walked away leaving Brooke, who was currently doing calming breathing exercises. She knew she was being silly but she couldn't help it, there wasn't Haley beside her or Rachel. She was alone. With him. She should have thought about this before she came in.

On the opposite side of the cafe, Karen was watching her son watching Brooke. She poked his back and he turned to look at her with his eyebrows raised in a questioning way. She sighed and rolled her eyes at just how oblivious her son was. She bet that he didn't even realise he was watching Brooke, it was just so much of an instinct that he did it naturally. She stifled a laugh because it was inappropriate in this situation.

"You can have a little break," Karen told him and he frowned in a confused way because he knew his break wasn't for another 45 minutes.

"Pardon?" He asked and his frown deepened. He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back against the counter.

"You must think I'm stupid... Your eyes have been firmly on a certain brunette ever since she walked into the cafe. Just go talk to her and make up," Karen smiled and nudged him with her elbow.

"If you're talking about Mrs Smith then you're sadly mistaken... You know she has a husband. I can't break up a marriage," Lucas grinned and Karen rolled her eyes once more. Mrs Smith, the brunette (or fake brunette) on the corner table. She should of known Lucas would make some joke about it to try and divert the conversation to a safer topic.

"I was on about Brooke Davis, but if you go for woman 40 years older then that's fine with me," Karen laughed and Lucas just shook his head at her, walking away from her and going over to Brooke's table with her coffee in hand which he placed in front of her on the table.

"Can I sit? I'm on my break..." He nodded towards the opposite seat and Brooke looked up at his voice in surprise. She picked up the mug in her hands and stared down at it, taking a sip to calm herself.

"Um... Sure, that's fine," She shrugged her shoulders and tried to act casual although panic was starting to rise. They'd actually have to talk. He sat down slowly and carefully as if cautious about his actions.

"So, how've you been?" He asked after an awkward pause, he looked at her and she tried to keep her facial expression normal.

"I've been good," Brooke replied and took to fiddling with the hem of her tank top, "How about you?"

"I'm good, too," He answered and then silence took over again. After it was too much he spoke again, "So you live with Rachel, now? How's that?"

"Different, but I like it. She's still annoying and all but we've got a lot more in common than I thought. I like living with her, minus her wakeup call of splashing water on me," She responded with a nod and a laugh which he joined in with.

"Well I'm glad you've sorted out your differences and are friends now," Lucas told her after the tentative laughter had died down.

"Yeah, me too," She smiled and nodded her head. Silence hung over them and neither of them knew exactly what to say. They both shifted awkwardly in their seats before Lucas let out a sigh.

"How did we get like this?" He commented quietly, "Not that long ago we told each other everything and now we can't even have a simple conversation."

"But we didn't, did we," Brooke looked up at him from where she was staring at the floor.

"Didn't what?" He frowned in confusion at what she was talking about.

"We didn't tell each other everything," She shrugged a shoulder like what she'd just said hadn't carried as much meaning as it had. Like she'd just said that she wanted to go to the park later. She was trying to act normal but he could tell that she was hurting.

"What do you mean Brooke?" He down cast his eyes and studied his feet were tapping without him being aware of it. He hated the way his voice broke on her name. He hated that they felt so distant now.

"I'm not talking about the kiss..." She told him because that seemed the most obvious area of lack of communication, "Honestly... But we didn't talk through the important things. You didn't talk to me about the shooting. I know I wasn't there, but I could still help. And listen. I wouldn't understand like Peyton but I could try to. And even if I couldn't I just wished you'd give me the chance. I didn't talk about how jealous of Peyton I was... Because she's always been able to understand you better than me. You have this connection. But I never wanted to talk about it in case it brought up your feelings for her and you'd leave me."

"I wouldn't do that," He but in and she smiled, shaking her head.

"Maybe..." She was silent for a few minutes and he thought it was his turn to speak. His mouth opened just as she started talking once more, "Peyton always went on about how everyone leaves. But I don't think that's true. I think that a lot of the time it isn't so much as everyone leaves, but that they weren't really there in the first place."

"I didn't leave you, Brooke. You broke up with me," He told her as his eyebrows rose slightly higher than usual.

"I know, but just because I called it quits doesn't mean it hadn't ended before that. I just called it, you'd already gone," She smiled sadly and she felt tears prick her eyes and she blinked them away. She wasn't going to cry twice today, "I don't mind though, honest. I should have seen it sooner, but I didn't and that's okay."

"Should have seen what sooner?" He was leaning towards her, bent forward in his seat.

"That you were meant to be with Peyton," She did that shrug again, the trying-to-be-casual-when-you're-really-not shrug.

"I wasn't Brooke. I'm fed up of everyone telling me that. I'm not meant to be with anyone. 'Meant to be' doesn't exist. I want to make up my own damn mind who I want to be with without everyone butting in," He narrowed his eyes and slammed his fist on the table making everything rattle. She knew he wasn't angry at her, just people, so she stayed quiet while he calmed down.

"Don't you understand? You're meant to be with Peyton. I know you keep saying that you can make up your own mind about who you want to be with and that everyone should leave you to make your own choices but Luke, when so many people tell you that you're meant to be with someone it's kind of obvious you are. It's not just a few people telling you, it's everyone. When everyone thinks that you're meant to be with her then you kinda do. But I won't stand in your way. I'm finally able to handle you loving her more than me," She said after his breathing had returned to normal and his eyes had opened to their normal size.

"Brooke, goddamn it. I don't care. Even if I was supposed to be with her, then I don't want to be with her. I love you. I love you so much, Brooke. I'll tell you every single day just to get you to believe it. I'll do anything," He closed his eyes shut and she watched him for a second.

"That's the thing, though, Luke. I don't want a guy to tell me that he loves me every day. I want a guy who I know loves me. That he doesn't have to keep telling me because even if he doesn't say it, I know he does. That's why I can't do this. With you, I needed to hear you say you loved me constantly because I didn't believe it. But I don't want that. I want a guy who I know loves me without having to tell me. I want someone I can trust. I want someone who shows me he loves me and doesn't just say it," She swallowed hard and watched on as he reopened his mouth, opening it to say something.

"Don't... When I said that people don't leave but were never around in the first place... That's how I felt with you. I felt like you were never properly there with me. I felt like you were in Peyton's room, with her because I know your heart was with her, too, even if you don't admit it. Because if you left me so easily, without a fight then you obviously weren't properly with me. Were you? You obviously didn't care enough to try."

"Don't think that... I was always there Brooke. Please, please never think that I wasn't there to begin with. Honestly, Brooke. I love you more than anything. You mean the world to me, when I said you were the biggest part of my world I was wrong. You're not just a part of it, you're all of it. Even if we don't get back together never doubt that I loved you and that you meant everything to me. It was never Peyton, Brooke, it was always you and I hate that you don't think that. Just because of what happened the first time doesn't mean that it was her. It was you. And it always will be," He replied and she nodded her head, smiling a little despite the fact that she was brushing away a few tears.

"I think this is enough meaningful conversations for one day," Brooke stood up and grabbed her bag off the back of the chair. She swung it onto her table and threw down the money for her coffee.

"You sure you don't want to stay?" She tried to ignore the fact his eyebrows raised hopefully. She smiled softly and shook her head.

"Rach and I have bank robbing plans that I can't miss, I'm afraid. Maybe another time," She then started to walk out of the cafe without looking back and she finally felt like she could start to move on just like Rachel had said. Maybe not with another guy, but she could still move on from this point in her life without regretting anything because even if her time(s) with Lucas ended up leaving her broken, it was still the best moments of her life and that was worth the pain. She knew that she probably wouldn't end up with Lucas like he thought she would, but she'd still have him as a friend and that was good enough for her.

But she'd be okay. After all, he was only a chapter of her life and there was no point in closing the book because of him. She'd just turn the page, even if she wasn't skipping to the happily ever after ending. It wasn't time for that, now, at the moment she was just going to see where the words took her.

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><p><strong>Ta-da... Hoped y'all liked it. If you didn't then please give me some constructive critisism, it'd be muchly appreciated. And if you did like it, then thank you. And even if you didn't, then thanks for reading it all and then deciding about it. I'll leave now before I ramble...<strong>

**And all that jazz,**

**Lucy**


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